Biblical Premises for Sex in Marriage

by Pastor Chris Kumpula

How do we talk about sex?

When it comes to talking about sex, many Christian circles keep it as silent and awkward as possible. This hesitation is like cultural and theological dance, doomed to embarrassing missteps. Christians often find themselves in a maze where biblical teachings, societal whispers, and personal tales collide, leaving them with a serious case of "um, let's not go there." But as culture has shifted to a more "anything goes" attitude, Christians are often left feeling like they're stuck between a rock and a hard place. Many Christians wrestle with feelings of shame and guilt over their sexual desires, as if any sexual thought or action is a sin. Yet, many feel like they cannot express that struggle honestly or doubt that there's safety in asking questions about how to live their sexual life in a hypersexualized culture. How do we talk about sex as a church?

Is being too explicit vulgar? And is being too implicit dishonest?

When discussing the topic of sex, the manner in which we communicate matters. Being explicit in conversations about sex can serve as a means of fostering honesty and openness, but it can also become crass or inappropriate. Understanding the audience is crucial when engaging in explicit conversations about sex. Besides varying levels of comfort and openness regarding sexual topics, a need for modesty is necessary because we do not want to unintentionally cause someone to stumble into sin. We do not want to generate pornographic ideation in someone's mind while answering questions generated from their highly pornographic world. In our hypersexualized culture, it is an unavoidable necessity for the church to speak publicly and plainly about sex. The world is discipling our kids through tens of thousands of hours of sexualized media, most of it driving home a worldview that simultaneously glorifies and minimizes human sexuality. In our pulpit, teaching, small groups, and individual visits together, we need to create an open, Biblically-focused space for hard conversations about relationships, marriage, and sex.

The Christian Way: Modesty + Honesty

The Bible speaks in terms that remain appropriately sensitive to varying personal temptations and contexts, but it also speaks with plainness on some pretty gnarly aspects of sexuality and sin. This duality in its approach allows Scripture to resonate with a diverse audience, acknowledging clear guidance for varying stages of life. The Bible addresses the consequences of lust and infidelity without shying away from more challenging and uncomfortable truths about sexuality and sin. It presents these topics with a straightforwardness that can be striking, direct, and unambiguous. We have accounts of sexual perversion, but we are also spared the sort of pornographic language that would cause temptation. The language used is truthful and honest without causing undue offense (remember: biblical principles for sex will offend!). Honesty and clarity cannot be sacrificed to satisfy a prudish avoidance of truth, but there is prudence in considering modesty in our discussions about sex.

Questions of Real Life People

I just want to drive home the point that these are real discussions that occur constantly:

• After I became a mom my sex drive really went down due to being too tired and not having body confidence. How can I build this back up?

• How often should we have sex?

• Is it okay to feel uncomfortable with/not want to do something in the bedroom that my spouse wants?

• How do you authentically honor your spouse sexually if you struggle with having lost your sex drive completely?

• Is it okay to want to be playful, where sex is fun and not just “serious” or “biblical”?

• When the Bible says “submit to your spouse” does that mean I’m obligated to have sex even when I’m not feeling it?

• How do I navigate my emotions knowing some of my husband’s struggles with pornography?

• How can we have honest conversations about sex in small groups within the church?

• Sometimes I feel like the shadow of her Ex is in the bedroom. How do we talk about our baggage as a couple in the bedroom?

• My spouse is very open to talking about sexual preferences, but I shut down the conversation. Is there something wrong with me?

Real Issues in Culture and Relationships

For kids and teenagers:

• Anatomically Explicit Lyrics

• Body Enhancing Clothing

• Underage Sexual Activity

• Pornography Exposure

• Sex-Saturated Media

• Digital Dating Abuse

• Body Dysmorphia

• Sexual Predators

• Social Anxiety

• Sextortion

• Sexting

For adults and couples:

• Hookup Apps

• Internet Sex

• Prostitution

• Sexual Trauma

• Adult Fantasy/AI

• Same-Gender Sex

• Fetishes and Kink

• Multi-Partner Sex

• Sexual Dysfunctions

• Sex Enhancers / Toys

• Sex Parties / Vacations

• Adulterous Relationships

What Biblical Premises are there for Sex in Marriage?

1. Bible ⇸ Sex

Sex is an unavoidable topic in Scripture and in the church. We lose a glimpse of God’s vision for the church if we avoid sex, and we obscure Scripture if we make its message primarily about our own personal (sexual) fulfillment.

2. Marriage = Covenant

   Covenant marriage is a uniquely Christian institution established by God. Marriage is God’s idea for relationships that transcends the self interest of human contracts, so what He says about how and why this relational covenant will function matters (see Ephesians 5:22-33).

   
   

3. Children ← Sex → Pleasure

   Sexual intercourse is for procreation within a committed heterosexual marriage where children may be received and nurtured as a blessing from God. God’s create design means that sexual activity potentially results in children, and this potential must be taken alongside the design for sex for mutual pleasure within a marriage covenant.

   
   

4. Male Sexuality ≠ Female Sexuality

   Male and female are distinct in the created sexual order. Male and female have been designed with different, distinct, and complementary callings that are fulfilled in very different ways sexually.

   
   

5. People > Flesh

   People are more than evolutionary meatbags. Sexual activity cannot be divorced from the person as a precious eternal human soul.

   
   

6. Sex < Intimacy

   Sex is inseparable from and subordinate to intimacy (relational closeness). Sex is the lesser part of intimacy in relationships; sex was provided by God to mankind for the purpose of glorifying Him through enhanced God-mirroring intimacy of couples.

   
   

7. Jesus’s Love ≠ Man’s Affection

   If you rip “love” from the context of Jesus, you’ll lose both. Christian love is much bigger than worldly ideas of affection; it involves real truth, humility, and sacrifice that must come by the grace of God in Christ.

   
   

8. Sexual Satisfaction ⥈ Mutual Service

   Sex that is truly loving takes place within a marriage covenant in mutual service. The mutuality of love and respect between husband and wife is expressed sexually as sex functions as a catalyst for enhanced marital partnership.